Just An Account

Inspired by sharing that I felt guilty for not posting more on social media, I sat down to write this post tonight.

By no means is this a structured post, nor will the sentences make solid sense or be grammatically correct. If that’s your jam–you better bounce now.

I've lately been feeling a pit in my stomach when it comes to sharing on social media. I don’t quite know why, but I know it centers around my insecurities around people pleasing. I worry that my “content” isn’t good enough, make sense, is redundant, boring, privileged, annoying, and above all–pointless. That’s a brief little laundry list of the words that float around my brain as my thumb hovers around the share button everyday. At which point, I hover up to the “X” in the corner and hit discard.

I’ll have an idea–I get it out and going, and then I get to the point where I start asking myself a series of questions. Questions like, people will see this, and think less of you, or even, people don’t care what you think, they’re bored of your dumb vignettes, and neutral “every blogger has this style” apartment. People are probably laughing at you. Stupid stuff. Like really stupid, second-grader-get-some-confidence kind of stuff. How cute, she thinks she’s unique. I’m embarrassed for her. And has this ever happened? I mean, yeah it has. I’ve definitely had my fair share of negative comments–but the negative has come nowhere near the positive interactions, messages and comments I’ve ever received. So why do I let the negative ones live in my brain, essentially rent free, forever? And why does it seem like everyone else has it figured out? As if they have the recipe for allowing their brains to glide through life with seemingly no fear or hesitation? In my mind, and the reason why I then stop sharing is because I tell myself I’m not worthy or good enough and should therefor stop sharing altogether. I’m not as good enough, like the others are.

(And listen, I know, I’m already bored and sick of myself too by now so if you’ve made it this far, you’re a real one).

And I’ve head the argument of just doing it for yourself. Don’t care–don’t judge yourself, just do it for you–because if you’re not doing it for you then who are you doing it for? Part of me really wants to feel this way, but the other part does love the connection. I love meeting new people with similar interests, styles and aesthetics. I love bonding over shared experiences or common loves. I feel as though that is also human nature–this idea of connection, bonding and allowing social media to bring us together. I also love posting because I personally look back on it, almost like a visual diary of our life–memories with friends, travel, simple day-to-day musings that would have otherwise gone lost in the doldrums of life. (Hey, also if you’re not watching your own stories, take a hike okay? Yes you are, that’s part of the fun of it).

Megan, a friend of mine wrote a similar post called “More Than an #Ad”, earlier this spring and I was inspired by her title to speak on the notion of being more than just an account. I think so many of us, myself included, look at instagram and social media as a display case, where we can go and look at our “favorite accounts” and be entertained, inspired, validated, or simply just allow ourselves to disassociate into some else’s viewpoint. And part of that is the allure of social media. The escape, the discovery, and fantasy of it all. Social media, in some instances, lets us feel parasocially connected–as though we’ve got a front seat as we watch the lives of others unfold, climax, and artfully flash before our eyes. But I do feel, as of late, that a certain art is being taken out of it. I honestly leave Instagram feeling like everything is an ad. Literally everything. The notion of “escapism” is completely lost for me–it feels more like entrapment in a vicious cycle of comparison and advertising. I’ve even caught myself doing it–my last few posts have been about a roundup of curated products. So based on my last few statements, I’m a hypocrite. So why am I doing it? Well, I’m hiding behind those posts–I’d much rather show my own life and unfiltered, raw moments within it but I’m a coward. Instead, I hide behind a curated post because products can’t be judged like people can.

But I am a person, not an account. If I were an account–my grid would be a series of studio-shot products with an ‘add to cart’ button instead of a ‘message’ button.

And here’s the thing–those curated product posts (while I enjoy the art of curating the concepts) don’t fulfill me. They don’t fill my cup as much as the moments where I have been honest and raw–and harnessed beautiful moments with other people because of it.

So what next then? (Insert “go to therapy here”).

Well, I think it’s a balancing act. Allowing myself to have (as Mel Robbins would say) a “so what”, or “let them” mentality. Let go of the notion of people saying negative things–and if they are, let them. At the end of the day, who cares? We’re all specks of dust on a speck of dust anyway. Maybe forgiving myself for being my harshest critic. Perhaps giving myself grace with the idea that I’m learning and still evolving. Here’s one thing I know that helps me: leveling with other people. I find that when I have frank honest conversations with folks about how I’m feeling, and then they also feel the same way (or simply understand the concept), it helps. It’s almost like leveling the playing field with other creators and people out there and asking, hey I’m feeling really uninspired and flat lately, and having them say, same. It’s a simple validation of feelings. Which we can’t ever get if we don’t honestly try connect or put ourselves out there. Full circle.

We all go through moments of self doubt. And you’re probably thinking–who even is this chic? You’ve got a handful of followers on your silly little “account”–who cares? Share what you want. Go touch grass. AND I’D WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE WITH YOU. Let me just add some color to that viewpoint with this little nugget: so many people out there feel the exact same way. Big and small, all shapes and sizes, the amount of folks who told me they feel similarly was astounding. So much so that it inspired me to write this darn post. It inspired me to write because it simply cannot only be me who feels any of this. At the end of the day, the goal is allowing ourselves to come up for air every once in a while and share in an authentic connection that fosters growth–even if it’s as simple as saying something like I feel the same way.