The Best We Can

I think 2020 is the equivalent of getting the wind knocked out of you. It’s tough to say, but I might go so far as suggesting that this year could be one of the oddest and most discomforting years of late. Compared to recent history, we haven’t really meandered through quite too much–however these last few months alone could make up for that.

I don’t think I’m alone in saying that this year has quite literally shaken me to the core. It might be an overstatement, however I think its fair to suggest that we’re in a rather odd and terrifying time. We’re confronted with a new “normal”, one that feels so far from our familiar of yesterday. Our days look drastically different, our surroundings are familiar yet changed by functional demand. We’re being asked to keep going, press forward, take on more, leave one post for another, or for some, depart something altogether. These asks, not only be they indicative of just how drastic our situation is–are also quite impossible.

What is being asked of us, as a people and as individuals is quite frankly–impossible. We’re confronted by a mass of unknown and must adapt in a new, foreign circumstance. If you’re like me, the fog of the unknown can be quite overwhelming. So much so, that the function of day-to-day can seem literally daunting. Tasks that once were easily mastered now bring anxiety, fear and an underlying discomfort.

It’s been about 6 weeks now that I’ve been in “quarantine”. I’m fortunate and grateful to be in my home–safe and comforted by 4 walls. Each week has brought its new challenges. Working in a small and growing startup is always a difficult thing–however in a global pandemic that stems economic demise…it becomes much more terrifying and unpredictable. While I’m still lucky (at this moment in time) to have a job, I wake each and every morning in fear that I’ll be let go. I sign off each evening, and a familiar fear begins to settle in reminding me that I might have just sent my last slack message. Sadly, this is the reality we live in currently. While I’m thankful to be here currently, the fear of the unknown is quite debilitating–and to my fault I don’t quite know how to look past it with the courage to push onward. I’ve seen close friends depart, and with each departure the ripple gets ever-closer.

I’d like for this to be uplifting, but I rather it be honest.

While there lives uplift in most honesty, I do think that we can confide in ourselves and one another that this is scary. Its discomforting to think that we may not get to see loved ones for quite some time. It’s unnerving to wake every morning with an odd feeling of grief for which you don’t quite know where to place other than the fact that its there, and somehow grieving is a part of our day-to-day now.

For most of us, we’re managing. We’re putting one foot–ever so slowly, in front of the other each day and conquering another twelve hours of the unknown until we go to sleep to wake and do the whole thing over again. Some are coping during these times by doing, those who are mounting up tasks as though they were legos, checking off a laundry list of items each day with conviction. I applaud them. Others, are quietly still–maybe even a bit sluggish. They’re meeting their upended life with contemplation and questioning. I also applaud them. The rest are coping, getting by however they personally see fit. What I’ve realized, is there is no right way to handle a situation like this. We’re all doing what we think will work best for us–and that is the best we can do. The mountains ahead of us are unchartered and quite literally impossible to climb right now but we’re fucking doing it anyway. We’re doing it the best we can, the way we were meant to. But still, I find myself questioning my very own being more so than ever right now.

What am I supposed to be doing right now?
Am I doing enough right now?
Is this too much?
Did I need more?
I probably should have less?
Should I be doing that?

These questions, while they seem legitimate and harmless are actually incredibly destructive. The comparison game, questioning game, and self-doubt game is one that nobody wins. It consumes with no regrets, and leaves nothing but emptiness.

While we are tested and tried right now, we’re learning so much about ourselves and what we need, crave and require to be humans. We’re learning how we’re individually different (and similar) to those we surround ourselves with. And while these differences may seem smaller in the day-to-day, their granularity is actually quire integral in how we function as unique people. Something that may have upset us only acutely in the regular grind can be quite devastating during times like these. That’s okay. We’ve never been here before. We’re learning, navigating, getting lost, and redirecting all as we go. What we cannot do right now is disregard ourselves. If this moment in time has taught me anything, it’s that nothing matters so much as the care and integrity you have for yourself and your loved ones. Caring for ourselves is the best we can. It’s the end-all-be-all in this weird game that our parents once told us: you’ll understand when your older, which is a sentiment that can piss off as far as I’m concerned.

What matters right now, is that we care for ourselves and one another as best we can. Whether your best looks like not getting out of bed all day besides a trip to the kitchen, or organizing and color coating your pantry–it just matters that it’s your honest best. Don’t lie to yourself right now because really, what’s the point? Take what you need, but only enough to honor your best.

Be well, love, care and honor yourself.

XX, k